Dear Win and friends (for you have many, and I remain unsure of their names even to this day...),
Yesterday I spent my hallowe'en in a lovely but cramped house just off of Lenton Boulevard, in Nottingham. You spent your hallowe'en in a far roomier space, just half a mile or so away, in the city's Arena. I hear it wasn't so lovely though. According to the ever-reliable National Music Enquirer (as NME should probably be known), you were bottled in your own gig. I'm very sorry. I mean, it's bad enough when we British attack crap American bands at our festivals (see Panic! At The Flamin' Ass Disco, My Chemical Romance and 50 Cent), but at a gig where the people have paid to see you specifically? You aren't even American! Everyone knows the British prefers Canadians! With the exception of Avril Lavigne, Sum 41, Celine Dion and Canadian Bacon (it just isn't as good), you've brought us nothing but awesomeness as a nation.
So why you were bottled, I don't know. But I do apologise, and I can tell you, if I had been able to get some of those juicy-juicy sold-out tickets I would have been there. And if I were there, with my juicy-juicy sold-out tickets, I wouldn't have let the little blighter who did it get away so easily. I probably would have found the bottle he/she threw and done something so illicit with it that I shall not write it here, should my mother ever find it (which she may, for she is a highly resourceful woman). Let's just put it this way, the act of sitting down would be somewhere near a meeting with a honey badger on their priority list.
What upsets me most by the whole affair, though, is your initial reaction, to state you won't play Nottingham in the future. Please don't let the actions of one backwards idiot, who enjoys paying £30 or so for the possibility of bottling a band, ruin the fun for the rest of us! Nottingham is a lovely city, really, despite every rumour the rest of the UK can throw at us, and having seen you earlier this year at Glastonbury, I know it would be one of the greater wastes in life to not have you play here again. So, in conclusion: Play here again, and get me some of those juicy-juicy sold-out tickets, and I'll protect you like I would an egg in a gun-fight. Promise.
Yours sincerely,
Woodland Bear
mp3: 'Rebellion (Lies)' by Arcade Fire
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