Tuesday, 25 November 2008

The Five Least Vital People In Hollywood Today

I was chatting with my housemate the other day, and we found ourselves in a conversation, listing our 'Five Most Vital People In Hollywood'. His involved Guillermo Del Toro, I believe - an excellent choice. You'll see mine soon enough. But it all led me to the other list - the furthest opposite possibility, the 'Five Least Vital People In Hollywood'. I've given it great thought, and I present to you now my list. It's technically six, seeing as I'm counting two people as one. But seeing as their joint worth summates to little more than that, I think I can be forgiven.

5. George Lucas
Once upon a time this man was a titan. He brought us two of Harrison Ford's finest characters in Han and Indiana. He created Star Wars, the Indiana Jones films, and so many more... oh, wait. No. The problem is, Lucas ran out of original ideas by the late 1980s. And that's if we're being generous. Since the third Indiana Jones film his entire career seems to have been seeping the last creative juices out of his previous ventures. The Star Wars legacy is in danger now, thanks in part to Lucas' endless churning out of spin-offs, sequels and prequels. And, you know, I liked the new Indy film. I genuinely did. But I'll be the first to admit there were issues. The same issues that disappointed so many others. Do I blame Lucas for the aliens? No. But I blame him for the shoddy way with which they were dealt. Both Spielberg and Ford had liked Mr. Frank Darabont's script. It was Lucas who vetoed it. Just sayin'...

4. Eddie Murphy
I watched Coming To America for the first time last night. Unsurprisingly, it was rather good. Probably because it was back in the day, when Eddie Murphy was, well funny. It saddens me that he's made such awful choices in the last few years. Two of the worst films of the century so far - Norbit and Meet Dave, both Murphy choices. By my count, the last great film he made was Shrek. And even that is losing it's footing with the increasingly poor sequels.

3. Shia LaBeouf
Another flaw with Indiana's fourth outing? LaBeouf. The man who took the lead role in Disturbia, the biggest tarnishing of Hitchcock's name since that Vince Vaughn version of Psycho. The annoying little twat in the otherwise fairly enjoyable I, Robot. The man most likely to piss me off in a film without being Nicholas Cage. Talking of which...

2. Nicholas Cage
Is there any reason for Cage to continue making films? Bangkok Dangerous is easily the worst film I've seen this year. Ghost Rider may well have taken the title last year. National Treasure, and it's poor sequel, is an even more painful rip-off of Indiana Jones than The Mummy, which at least remains enjoyable in it's utter shitness. The fact is that not only can Cage not act to save his life, but he also looks like a cross between Eastern European terrorist and dodgy car salesman. Next up, Kick-Ass and Astro Boy. Oh very dear. Still, it could be worse...

1. Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg
These two are barely worth enough to warrant one human, let alone two. Seltzer and Friedberg are one of two things: Either they are two eight year-old boys who woke up one morning in the bodies of screenwriters, or they hate the cinematic form and wish to destroy it. Not familiar with their work? Think of a film that has a title ending in 'Movie' and they made it. Disaster Movie. Epic Movie. Date Movie. Oh, and Meet The Spartans. The bad news? People still seem to enjoy these films? The good news? According to IMDB there are currently no more of these vapid, unfunny and viciously shit films on the way at the moment. Maybe the studios finally got their act together and realised that these two genuinely are the least vital people in Hollywood.

No comments: