Sunday, 6 July 2008

Facebook Band Group Analysis: Avril Lavigne

I wish I could say I have no fondness for Avril Lavigne at all. She's put out at least two awful albums, both made worse by my sister's former fondness for them, and married a member of one of my All-Time Bottom Twenty Bands. Her song 'Mobile' was one of the least sensical and most musically frustrating I knew as a sixteen year-old. 'I'm With You' just reminded me of prostitutes ("I'm standing on a bridge/I'm waiting in the dark/I thought that you'd be here by now", or "I don't know who you are but I... I'm with you").

But then she had to go and release 'Girlfriend', one of the most ridiculously immoral, fantastically fun songs of the new millenium. And then, ever so occasionally she looks like she does above. It's cruelty, it truly is. And so, it is with these mixed emotions that I approach Avril with my second Facebook Band Group Analysis: an experiment for which there has to be a better name. I'll judge Avril based upon Facebook Groups made about her in support, or in detriment to her.

Exhibit A: '♥ iF y0U l0VE AVRil lAViGNE <3'

A masterclass in how to make a bad first impression without even meeting someone, this group mixes unusual use of upper and lowercase fonts, symbols and text speak in order to let you know that everyone inside the group is an idiot. All 4,578 of them. Also features deep subjects on the discussion board along the lines of 'Avril Lavigne or Hillary Duff?' Is that a question that even needs an answer? And if so, can the answer be 'neither'?

Exhibit B: 'avril lavigne p*u*n*k princess'
Like the Sex Pistols and Stiff Little Fingers before her, Avril Lavigne is the modern embodiment of punk. She also like pink things and tiaras. And not spelling her name with capital letters (which is a claim wildly at odds with the title of the last group). This group is full of punk factoids about Lavigne. For instance, where Lydon was intolerant of the government, Lavinge is lactose intolerant. And has asthma. Take that, establishment!

Exhibit C: '<<...Legend of Avril Lavigne...>>'
One could be forgiven for thinking that because this is the first group to correctly write Lavigne's name it must also be the most intelligent of said groups. But then one reads the group description: "This goup for avril lavigne fans only that we will say one word that 'We love Avril Lavigne'. So. Many. Flaws. First, what is a 'goup'? It sounds like sloppy gout. Second, since when is 'We love Avril Lavigne' one word? It isn't even hyphenated! And really, since when is Avril Lavigne a legend? She certainly robs from the rich world of music and adds to the poor, but to call her a legend suggests that when my sister saw her live in Wembley Arena she was actually watching a near mythical-character.

Exhibit D: 'If this group reaches 100,000 members, Avril Lavigne must cum to A.D. (AbuDhabi)'
With current group membership at a phenomenal 325 people, Ms. Lavigne should probably book her flights now...

Exhibit E: 'avril lavigne can't sing, but by god i'd pork her!'
Agreed, Pamela Popp of Chicago. Agreed.

mp3: 'Knocking On Heaven's Door' by Avril Lavigne

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